Phermoans

Pie Bowler

I have had a lot of interesting events occur since my 1st blog. First, I left my marriage, what a whollop that was. Next, with increasing intensity I felt the need to terminate my time on this planet. I knew it was serious this time because the thought of leaving my only son behind didn't stop the flow. I had to do something. I hadn't had any substances for 9+ years and it was either get loaded or load my head with lead. Fortunately I was staying with a understanding and wonderfully caring couple during my transition of leaving my wife and they convinced me to voluntarily check in to the local psychiatric facility. Wow. No shoe laces, no belts, no cell phone, no sleep, fucking little mental classes all day long. You can't wait to get outside just to breathe sane air. Not that all the people I was holed up with were crazy, just a little off kilter. No boundaries as far as VOLUME, privacy, subject matter that far away look in their eyes. It didn't matter though, as bad as I thought they might be, I was in there with them all the way. It's interesting to think that now you're in the system. I was diagnosed with bi-polar illness. Fuck. What did I do to earn this? I had this diagnosis earlier from a different psychiatrist prior to this visit and I politely and frankly denied his diagnosis and refused to take the medication that he so freely gave me. Nice gesture though!
All this shit started a year before I left the "honeymoon year" of our marriage. We had been having some serious communication issues and despite pleading with Belle to see a therapist she refused on the grounds that we shouldn't need an outside party to help us communicate. Hello! We're not communicating now. I went and during the first session the therapist was convinced I was ADHD. No such thing I told her.
Apparantly I was wrong. About two weeks before this I swore to myself that I wouldn't take any medication for anything, sleepness nights, mild allergies, etc. Now here I was, faced with this clincal disappointment (to me) and possible meds for the rest of my life (only when I was awake). The psychiatrist confirmed it. I was partially in the system now.
Now this other psychiatrist I went in to see so I could possibly change my medication because I thought it wasn't making any changes. He kind of led me with questions and determined without a doubt that I was bipolar. So when I told him no and asked for different ADHD medication he said okay and gave me...uh...something with a lot of speed in it! Yahoooo. A recovering addict on speed and crashing into the end of a marriage. Life is bold, life is so daring! Needless to say, combined with depression, denial about my actions, illness, huge self esteem issues I crashed. Hard.

posted by Pher @ 3:50 PM