Phermoans

What the....

I wrote an extensive post this morning on another one of my blogs and apparently I forgot how to go there! Shit. I'll have to start posting to this one now....

posted by Pher @ 11:30 AM 1 comments

Back at PHP

I have successfully re-entered the PHP program for the 3rd time in less than a year and a half. So, I should have no doubt that my brain is overtaxed, bipolared up and exhausted from trying to figure all this shit out. Women, real estate, lab-puppy tornado, sobriety, it's been all a trip. My creativity is at an all time low. I just don't care right now. I will tell you what my groups are like. OOOhhh, so funny.

posted by Pher @ 10:54 PM 0 comments

The final purge!

I talked to my doctor yesterday for the first time since I've decided to taper off all of my meds. He was supportive but in a very wary way. Hmmm....that sounds like a chorus for a song! He said that since I've already had two "episodes" in the past year, my chances for a third and worse episode are pretty high. He asked me to have friends watch me closely and perhaps be ready to give me a ride! Where he did not say. I'm down to 500 mg of Depakote every other day, or I was, today I'm quitting it out right. Now I'm starting to titrate the Welbutrin, titrate I say. Bob says I should use the word, titrate, it sounds more savvy. So when I am scraped up off the floor and I'm mumbling, "Titrate, titrate..." you'll know what I'm talking about! The doc said I could just quit the Welbutrin immediately since it is extended release. Hmmm...I'm not sure I agree with that. I am still feeling the electric voltage from quitting the Lexapro a month ago. I will just cut them in half and let the bottle run out. About two weeks now. So I'll mark my calendar for Sept. 17 for Med Free Day. My puppy Bonnie will be 6 months old that day. It will be a canine clean mind day!
I feel a lot better! My mind feels lighter or clearer for lack of a more clever or savvy word. I'm not nearly as fatigued, I've even started running again! I have talked to my friends and my boss and they all cheerfully agreed to watch me. I've been a spectacle anyway for the past 2 years, what's not to watch! Free entertainment. Now, I say that it in a good way!

posted by Pher @ 7:40 AM 3 comments

Ha Ha ha!

I don't necessarily write on here for any comments but I don't mind them! It's funny that the very few that I get, spammed comments have appeared in my blog! I've read so many of the blogs of the friends of my sister, TanyaKristine, and I never see any spam on their boards. It cracks me up!
I do thank my sister and her friends that occasionally drop by. I like the variety.
The latest feeling on my drug withdrawel is GOOD! I feel more focused and energized. I was always falling asleep at work, sleeping after work, going to bed early, etc... It isn't a good feeling being the oldest guy at work and falling asleep. Oh, the pain of the eldered ostracism! I do feel that I have crafted better coping skills in the past few weeks or rather the grip is easier to find than before. You know what I mean? The occasional social faux pas doesn't constitute a bid for suicide anymore. Well it was never that intense for that kind of stuff. =) It seems as if I was traveling in a fog in hindsight. I still get the occasional dizzying electrical impulses.
Oh god, I got a migraine on Monday that almost blinded me. It was coming on for two days and when it finally landed it was lights out for the entire day! I actually fell asleep driving home and missed my exit! Yikes. That's not good practice for a happy retirement. It hit the right side of my head and wrenched it. I could smell metal through my right nostril, my right eye was ultra sensitive to light and motion, any noise (like talking) took a toll also. Thank god for Vicodin! I have to wonder if that is a symptom of weaning or just a fluke. I've never really had migraine's but I do have a history of kill kill headaches all my life.
I have to yet tell my psych that I'm ditching this medication. I'm sure he'll be a bit disappointed. It is just so time for me to find out if my little mind can go out on its own now.
You know what I question? Is that it seems so preponderous that social skills are so difficult. Is it my expectations? Not just the little encounters between friends and such but the emotional impact that my head nurtures. It is a form of social suicide for me. I've been such a people pleaser for so long that I breathe it. When it comes to women, oh god, I'm such a tool. I love women! But the problem is that I want all of them to LOVE ME! Well, as you can imagine, this has caused some issues. Part of the stuff I wonder about is can people really fundamentally change? There are faults and defects that have to amended to fit in socially but do they eventually melt away? Do they only diminish? I think it would be okay to always have them, be aware of them, not to act on them because of experience. In that sense you always know how good you have it. Reference points for successes in your life. It's a big world with lots of problems, if I can make my little corner of it pleasant from lessons learned, that's a good life.

posted by Pher @ 6:24 AM 2 comments

Upside

Day 2 of the deep Depakote drop and everything seems okay. I do notice that I'm not as tired, physically. That might be from dropping the Lexapro too. I have noticed that I recognize my moods and feelings more and have the foresight and the seconds to respond to them rather than react immediately. I hope this is the groove I fall into. When I get off of this drug it will be the first time since October of 2003 that I've not been on mind fixing medications. I'll stick with the Welbutrin for awhile however to treat the chronic depression. I'd like to eventually cut back on that also. My Nicole feelings have finally found a resting place and I'm not tragically upset about that any longer. It is a done deal and there is no turning back. It has and is hard for me to know when and how to finalize something like that. I just kept trying to play the knight to her when she wanted to be in another country. Granted I dropped the "dump" bomb first but her status is for me to leave her alone. It's okay Nicole, consider the book closed.

posted by Pher @ 6:44 PM 4 comments

Ok...

I am self-medicating these days. I started on July 30th by cutting down on my Depakote. I was at 1500 mg and went down to 1000 mg. Yesterday I cut that back to 500 mg and next week on the 18th I am going to start skipping odd days with my dose. I weaned myself off of the Lexapro for good this month also. That was an interesting episode. I still feel the similar effects. It's kind of a dizzying and unsettling motion in my head. A flashback if you will. I'm glad I'm sober and doing this as the chemistry in my brain is so whacked right now. I'm not doubting that I have huge issues with depression but I am steeped in denial about the bipolar diagnosis. The more I read the more I believe that I'm not. Of course that is like me being my own attorney in a court of law I guess but I have to go with my gut feeling. I am going to TRY and write here every day my moods, my feelings. The last two days have been long and tedious but I seem to recognize the moods that I am falling into and pull the ripcord before they get out of control. I'll see what happens.

posted by Pher @ 4:43 PM 0 comments

PA Reunion

Well, I went to the Shirley Family reunion in Shanksville, PA last weekend! Oh yeah, I love that weekend every year. I do look forward to seeing this branch of my family. We just hang out by my Uncle Ted's lake front property for 2 days and chit chat about life. I found out that one of my relatives is or was the first governor of the Bahama's! I'd like to claim my rightful legacy and stretch of beach today, PLEASE! Actually, it was a Shirley and I'm not positive if it is a descendent of mine or not, but isn't that a nice fantasy? I submitted a DNA sample to ascertain what branch of Shirley's I do hail from. It's interesting to me and it will be a hit for the next reunion!

posted by Pher @ 9:41 AM 1 comments