5th step
"Almost without exception, alcoholics are tortured by loneliness." "...we were finally struck down and left in terrified loneliness."Wow, I read this this morning in the 12 x 12, page 57. I was thinking this exact thing this morning while I was driving to work this morning. That I can fall into such an isolated space where no one understands, no one. I actually felt terrified and put it into those words in my mind. To then come in to work and read this exact phrase is an omen for me. This has been my past, my MO, my bane. It takes courage to get out of this familiar pattern of my life. The terrifying part is that it's so ingrained in me to want everyone or mostly everyone to think I'm such a good guy. I really sweat blood when I travel down any path to my "new" future.
I'm in a situation now with a woman that I fell in love with recently. It has been a long, convoluted, painful, exciting and bitterly painful period this past 18 months. I left a marriage in a small way due to this, a catalyst more than anything. We, *** and I were dancing around a lot of hurdles, age, her relationship with Henry, my divorce papers not signed, etc. FINALLY, when everything seemed clear, we connected! Hallelujah! Within 6 weeks it was over for us. What happened? There seemed to be more to leaving a marriage than I thought. There seemed to be more complexities jumping into a relationship than I thought. I made the call to quit while we were ahead and really broke her heart in the process. How was I to know how much she loved me? Her actions seemed more like following a script to me. When we discussed the issues, I would get defensive (nothing new) and then it seemed competitive between the both of us. Now she was a lot smoother when it came to talking and could make me see that she wasn't attacking me. She was sincere. When I first broke it off with her, I decided the route of "no contact, no friction" would be appropriate. I guess that was the wrong route. She wanted initially for me to reconsider. Uh uh, not again, that's the long awaited realization of what killed my marriage. Her wanting me to be who she thought a man in love with her should be. Not the man that she knew previously and fell in love with. Granted there were conditions and situations that had risen but in the big picture they were transparent and temporary. I was decisive and brutal in putting the brakes on our relationship. I felt if anyone deserved a chance to start again, it should be my wife. That's when the circling vultures started to appear. In short, I lost both women permanently. That's what seems to be killing me softly now. Is this God's will? This is part of the tortuous space I fall into when I start mind tripping on my actions.
Uh, shit, what does this all have to do with the 5th step? I did my fifth step with my sponser on the 16th. We started at noon and went to 11PM. It WAS good to reveal my life to him. It was good to relive it all in one sitting. I'm slowly feeling part of the fellowship, in life, in spirit, in myself.
Despite the 5th step "feeling" I do feel so remorseful. I don't want any contact with either one now because it just seems for me that's the best path. No contact, no friction, again! It hurts for me to see ***, to know that it could have been so sweet, so so so so. Mind tripping. I have to realize with true, solid conviction that I have done the best thing for me. I have to practice self-control, calm assurance and patience with my eager, energetic and bi-polared charged mind. I have to learn to endure the path of my actions despite what my feelings tell me. I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "don't take yourself seriously" and I laughed! How true. I need to take the attention off of myself and remember that I am a child of God and it's all a journey!
posted by Pher @ 7:10 AM
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